Saturday, October 16, 2010

why can he just be..

Someone to hold..
Someone to want..

Who else would understand better
My wants
Needs
Aspirations and disappointments

Why cant he just be...

My lover and jokester
Feeling my neck
And tummy
Waist and ankles..

Why cant it just be
Easy
Free~ing, passionate, and silly

I dont want
"Everyday is exactly the same"
I want
"My dreams are more exciting than my memories"

Why cant he just be

About

Me..
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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

at work

Sea salt

Birds flying
Caramel on my elbow

Kung po chicken

Salted apple
Short lids

Prayer flags.
Red,blue,polka~dot orange.

Yesterdays news
Dirty dish~water blonde
Mercedes benz

$42.30
Overpriced love in a cup.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

splash you..

I come to the end like I'm coming to a raindrop.

my daughter holds a daisy, and i hold a paintbrush.

these words, like god, hold me dear.

when i need comfort against the weight of the world.

I'm miss my time, i miss my freedom, i miss my clarity.

all i can do is start

anew.

These will be the fabric i pull from the washer,

only to soil again. i want to walk

to walk

to walk on..and not move



instead..



Eppur si muove.



i cant breathe. the silence in strangling me, where

in its place,

used to be laughter.

We used to be a team.

now, i just fight.

against you, against me..

against the who's and who-not's



why do i always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?



i can see the foam on my feet.

the seaweed on my groin

i can breathe the wet, and taste the burn of the leave...



but i cannot.



i cannot

i cannot



forgive the splash. it doesn't end, and wont explain why



to me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

reguarding faith..

I was tripped out too, when we first moved to oklahoma...the ONLY religion i knew about was Catholicism. THE ONLY! I was not super religious growing up, as my parents were dirty hippies...and my grandma was the only one i knew who went to church (for show) I am like brenda in the fact, that most christians i know are a-holes. But i also (now) believe that thats b/c they are humans..living in this human world..and we are none perfect. i had absolutely nooo clue about mormons, or buddists. that was wacky stuff to me. i had alot of crappy stuff happen to me growing up, so as soon as i could, I gave God the finger..I lived in horrible sin. whether you were a christian or not, that was plain to see. it wasnt until i was literally a homeless meth addict when i broke down and asked God for help. In the rain, with a bloody nose, and nothing else to give whatsoever. Thats how i "came to God' The next morning (litterally) I had a court date and got sentenced to 10 yrs DOC (possession and false impersonation). in prison I read the bible like a BOOK. a regular one. it was the only thing in my cell. I read it three times in two days. it was filled with hope, crazy ideas of living, scary challenges i didnt know if i was women enough to take..I had alot of time on my hands, and i started (like i said earlier) looking into the historical side of this "jesus." He was a real ligit dude. and slowly (VERY, as i am a doubter by nature) came to start believing in the bible, not people...but the 'living word' I really really started to see something happening in my life. I dont wanna weird you out, but i completely 100% believe that God had his hand on me when i went to prison, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. As a believer i see the things God is doing for me. I feel chosen, like i was meant for something greater here on earth, i am in total security that i can trump any issue that has been handed to me. Also, i feel convicted about certain things. God does not talk to me. at least audibly anyway. but when i read..things stick out, when i get a feeling in the pit of my stomach, i know that's the holy spirit giving me wisdom. i feel like my life is a treasure map for me to find the greatness God has in store for me (both here, and in heaven) I hope that tabi will fell that sense of security one day. I told you this, b/c you know me, and i am not a "Jesus-freak" i come from a long line of non believers, and hypocrite drug users. I am not a perfect sin free person, and i am not someone anyone would really even care to listen to...which makes me the perfect person to tell you about my personal story with my God. I hope that knowing this, you can make an educated dicision to simply not be close-minded to the idea of the mere truth of the bible. love you chica.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Cool As Kim Deal

SO mike did get the job offer a the Indian hospital. he turned it down.
it was too far away and not enough pay..

good song lyric

Anyhow, I SAW PIXIES last night, and it was FUCKING amazing. omg i soooo want to be KIM DEAL when i grow up. we got in for free too. I saw an as on craigslist needing volunteers for free seats..i was like f_yea! so we passed out flyers, stacked some cd's and got rad seats. I can die happy now. Also, i got a one of a kind poster from a local artist. AND an apple and orange from their backstage room.

ugh, now if could just dance nakie in my bedroom again..

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

charlie chapman

Mike is my fav thing sometimes...i love that i can just be me with him. lucked out. he goes for his interview at the indian hospital today. Lord, please let him get it..if its in your will..then i know he will. plz though..
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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

chill

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nudity

living with you in laws is hard sometimes. I really like to walk around naked. I never realized how much until we moved here. yep.
I also like silence.
and spontaneity.
and loud music.
and incense.
and fish.
and loud sex with my husband.
yea, i miss that one the most...

Monday, August 23, 2010

ugh..

So, ive been outta work for almost a whole year. i broke my femur last sept..had 4 surgeries, and am just now able to walk w/o crutches. start phy ther tomorrow, really nervous. kinda want drugs. drug drugs, not Advil.
We (my baby and my honey) had to move back to okla, and i am so sorry. we might get stuck in this s***t hole, and it will be my fault...i am jack's aching heart.
ugh..
so, for my hopes::
i hope i can go back to the bucks w/o looking like a total f*up
i hope we can save up enough mulah to live outside of the folks
i hope i can fit back into my size 4's w/o goin all bulemia..
i hope i can go hiking
running
exploring
living
again..
ugh..